Chad Vader: Day Shift Manager/Quotes

Chad Vader

Episode 1: Kneeling before the store manager:

What is thy bidding, my Master?

Episode 1: Talking with Randy

Clint is a fool, and I will not tolerate his insolence much longer!

Episode 2: To a disgruntled customer

Strike me down with your hate and claim your refund!

Episode 2:

I sense a disturbance in the store....

Episode 3:"

Can someone have this droid repaired?

Episode 3: To Clarissa:

I searched my feelings--all of them!

Episode 5: To Clarissa:

I spy on people every day, and I don't need to go where they are to do it.

Episode 6: As a telemarketer on changing long-distance carrier:

I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

Episode 6: To a copy machine:

What do you mean error 412?! I've checked the manual--there is no such error! Now do my job! DO! MY! JOB!!!

Episode 7: Riding around on a shopping cart:

Admiral, you came out of light-speed too close to the system! [Imitates laser sounds]

Episode 7: To a couple with a baby:

Your baby is ugly!

Episode 7: To Clint in the dark:

You will be. (Pulls out lightsaber) You WILL be.

Jeremy

• There's something alive in here. I've got a bad feeling about this....

• RACCOON!!!!

• There's a guy sleeping on the meat!

• Lord Vader, there's a dog loose in the store!

Dialogue

Season 1

Day Shift Manager

Chad: May I speak with you a moment, my Master?

Randy: It's just Randy, okay, Chad?

Chad: Yes, my Master. (Chad kneels.)

Randy: And don't kneel! It's...weird.

Chad: I have grave news.

(Flashback)

Chad: Tammy, I need you to work an extra shift on Saturday.

Tammy: No. (Tammy walks away.)

(End flashback)

Chad:...and then she walked away!

Randy: Okay. So?

Chad: Our plans to make this station fully operational on Saturday may be jeopardised!

Randy: Look, uh, just get someone to take her shift, okay, Chad?

Chad: As you wish, Emperor.

Randy: It's Randy! RANDY! I'm not an Emperor!

The Date

Chad: I sense potential in you, young one.

Jeremy: Yeah!!!

Chad: I shall take you on as my apprentice, Jeremy. Together we shall decimate the competition and conquer the food retailing industry!

Jeremy: That would be awesome!

Chad: (swinging his lightsaber) Yes, it SHALL be awesome! (Chad's lightsaber smashes through a display case.) Oh, um...clean that up, Jeremy. (Chad walks away.)

---

Clarissa: So, I've always wondered, what's up with the suit and the helmet?

Chad: I--I was in a biking accident.

Clarissa: You ride a motorcycle?

Chad: No, a bicycle. I lost control on a road and I went over an embankment, down a hill, into a volcano.

Clarissa: Oh my gosh!

Chad: But my brother--I have a famous brother--he sent me this suit. I can never remove it or I will die.

The Night Shift

Chad: Hello, Lionel. I am Lord Vader, the new night shift manager.

Lionel: 25 cents a can.

Chad: What?

Lionel: Tomato sauce. It's on sale. That lady bought like...10 cans. She saved a lot.

Chad: Uh, what lady?

Lionel: She was here about an hour ago. She saved a lot.

Chad: Yes.... Well, I must return to my--

Lionel: Muffins. Swiss cheese. Roast beef.

Chad: Okay...?

Lionel: Say, do you like light bulbs?

---

Weird Jimmy: You're doomed! Doomed! DOOMED!

Chad: This is bullshit.

Dog in the Store

Hal: Excuse me, where are your live chickens?

Chad: We do not carry that item.

Hal: I found some frozen ones, but they won't work for my voodoo ritual.

Chad: We do NOT carry that item.

Hal: But where are they?

Chad: I told you already! We do NOT have live chickens. Does this look like a chicken coop? Do not ask me where they are because they are NOT here!

---

Chad: Return the day shift to me, Randy. You do not realize the power I posess! Together we can rule Empire Market as General Manager and Day Manager!

Randy: Come on, Chad. You've had a rough first night. Let's go into my office--

Chad: You will join me or die!

Randy: Do you really mean that, Chad?

Chad: No. Please give me my day shift back.

Drunk

Bartender: That job meant a lot to you, huh?

Chad: Yes, she did.

Bartender: She?

Chad: Clarissa. My supposed former girlfriend is out on a date with my arch-enemy Clint.

Bartender: But you know, they're sitting right over there.

Chad: Yes, I know...

Clarissa: I saw you following us.

Chad: No, you didn't. Stop lying.

Clarissa: Chad--

Chad: How does it feel to be such a liar?

Clarissa: Why don't you do something with your life and stop being so lame?

Chad: I can't help it, Clarissa. I'm lame! LAME!

New Job

Chad: You think you have won this round, eh? Wait until I send a service droid to your house to destroy your communication--

Telemarketing Boss: Hey, Chad?

Chad: Hmm?

Telemarketing Boss: It's not working out.

Chad: Fine. If you want to fire me after one phone call, fine. I don't care....

Resturant Boss: (In Spanish) Hey, Chad.

Chad: (In Spanish) Yes?

Resturant Boss: (In Spanish) It's not working out.

Chad: (In Spanish) What a suprise!

Trapped in the Trash

Ben (Ghost): I have some information for you.

Chad: Really? What?

Ben (Ghost): Clint hates you.

Chad: (sarcasm) Oh, I had NO idea!

Jeremy: The power switch! Too weak...!

Weird Jimmy: What, this? Oh, I don't know, I have to consult with Mop! (Holds a silent conversation with his mop) Nope, sorry! Can't do it!

Jeremy: No!

Weird Jimmy: Just JOKING!

Season 2

The Takeover

Randy: Hello everyone, uhh, welcome to Empire Market.

Champion J. Pepper: Hello. I'm Champion J. Pepper.

Randy: Yes, I know. We've known each other for years, Mr. Pepper.

Pepper: I know that. I just like to introduce myself every time I enter a room. It's a new thing I'm trying out.

Randy: I...see.

Laser Trouble

[a mouse droid appears]

Chad: Ahh, that cute little guy. By the end of the month, I hope to construct a fleet of these cleaning droids. It will increase our maintenance efficiency by 18%.

[Hal walks over to the mouse droid]

Hal: Excuse me, do you have diapers...for fresh babies?

Mouse Droid: [begins to spark] EXTERMINATE-IMPURITY!!

[Hal runs away in fear]

Chad: Uhh...still working the bugs out...

Mouse Droid: EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATE!!

---

Chad: ...and this is...Weird Jimmy.

Margret: Well look at you!

Weird Jimmy: I'd prefer you didn't.

Margret: What does Weird Jimmy do?

Chad: He...uhh...excellent question.

Weird Jimmy: What I do before noon, would make a grown man cry and skip his breakfast. I swoop down in the night, with claws and a beak, like the shadow of a scary dream bird! When you wake up, all sweaty and nervous, you better pray to whatever god you believe in that you NEVER know the darkness that I have seen!

[pause]

Margret: So you're the janitor?

Weird Jimmy: [normal tone] Pretty much, yeah.

Chad & Margret: Let's move on.

Jeremey: [rushes over] Lord Vader...you're needed at the check out counter! [pause] I am very calm right now.

Well, Commander Wigstrom, as luck would have it, that is our next destination.

Jeremey: But-but but-

Chad Vader: NOT NOW, Commander!

Jeremey: Lord Vader, but....

[they move on]

Weird Jimmy: PLEASURE TO MEET YOU!!!!!!!!

Into the Basement

Chad: Is this man bothering you, Libby? [referring to Lloyd]

Libby: Not really.

Chad: Hey Lloyd, let me see that cookie for a second.

Lloyd: [gives the cookie to Chad] Sure thing, Chad.

[Chad throws the cookie at Jeremey's helmet causing Lloyd to go get it, Chad takes Lloyd's seat]

Chad: He was bothering me! [laughs] That's a good one. Do you like jokes? I have more.

Libby: [shaking her head] No, I don't really like jokes or conversation. I prefer to sit in silence and pray.

Chad: Umm....yeah.

Libby: It was a joke, Chad.

Chad: Oh! [forced laughter]

The Basement Strikes Back

Jeremey: [recalibrating the boiler] I think it's done! I think I finally did something right!

Weird Jimmy: That's what the last guy said. Right before everything went GLOOM!!! [laughs]

---

Weird Jimmy: Hey, guys. What would you do if I told you there were three killer robots waiting for us outside this door?

Chad: [giving normal response] Oh, I would hide and probably cry. You?

Jeremy: I would fight and smash!

Weird Jimmy: Well you're gonna need to do that.

The New Employee

:Chad: Robbie, how are you?

Robbie Johnson: Happier than I've ever been in my entire life! I'm back where I belong. Forever!

Margret: I want you to personally supervise Robbie's training, Chad. He's your...apprentice if you will.

Chad: What about Commander Wigstrom? He's my-

Margret: You are to stop wasting time with Jeremey and focus on Robbie, is that clear?

Chad: As you wish.

Margret: Is. That. Clear?

Chad: Yeah. As you wish mean o-

Margret: Good. Dismissed. [Chad and Robbie leave] Everything is happening exactly according to plan! [evil laugh]

First Kiss

Robbie Johnson: All this food looks so foreign and exotic. I think I'll have the....pasta.

Chad: I'm going to start this special meal off with a delicious chocholatinee.

Libby: I'm sorry Chad, Maggy said we couldn't order any alcohol.

Chad: Of course. How silly of me. I'm going to start this special meal off with some delicious....water.

Goodbye, Chad

Chad: Clarissa. Looking lovely as ever!

Clarissa: When are we gonna go on that second date?

Chad: No-can-do. I'm seeing someone! Heh heh. Audious, moochacha!

---

Chad: [after reading Libby's farewell letter] Gone. Libby! NOOOOOOO- a marshmellow hits him in the face] Huh?

Marshmallow Bandit-o: Chad Vader!

Chad: Who the hell are you?

Marshmallow Bandit-o: It is I, Marshmallow Bandit-o.

Chad: [not even shaken] Uhh-huh.

Marshmallow Bandit-o: You would do well to cower before my might! I am your arch-nemesis.

Chad: You picked the wrong day to mess with me, nerd. [the Marshmallow Bandit-o spits a marshmallow at Chad] Don't make me destr- [the marhmallow hits him in the face] Eww.

Marshmallow Bandit-o: [laughs]

Links

• Chad Vader article.